There is a rumour circulating that Santa doesn't exist. We immediately tasked our top undercover reporter to investigate, with some surprisingly reassuring results...

We had heard that he was hiding in plain sight at a local Santa Dash, getting in the best possible shape for his big night, so we managed to interview the red-suited man from Lapland on condition that his true identity was not revealed.

It seems that Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Saint Nicholas, Kris Kringle, and the various other aliases he is known by is 1,750 years old this year; delivers up to a million tons of presents to 750 million 'good' children on Christmas Eve, and travels around 75 million miles in a sleigh drawn by eight flying reindeer – or nine since Rudolph joined the fun following the famous 1939 story Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer when he saved Christmas Day by using his bright red nose to guide the other reindeer through the thick fog that Christmas Eve.

We were quite happy with that clear explanation of the facts but questioned why Santa eschewed the use of modern technology such as GPS in his flying sleigh, to which Santa replied in verse:

When you're in Santa's sleigh
And think you've lost your way
There's no need to care
As you fly through the air
Because reindeer Red Nose the way!

But can reindeer actually fly? Santa explained it is estimated there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be discovered and that, along with theories of evolutionary adaptation and speciation, does not entirely rule out the possibility that at least nine reindeer can fly. That, and the point they fly so fast no one apart from Santa has ever seen them airborne!

But what about those prodigious distances and phenomenal speeds attained? Surely, Santa and his sleigh, not to mention those unfortunate reindeer, would be instantly vaporised?

At this point, Santa sighed and said: "I fear you may not have fully grasped the true spirit and magic of Christmas. I refer you to the well-documented effects of space/time continuum and relativity clouds". 

It seems that Santa discovered years ago that time can be stretched like a rubber band; space can be squeezed like an orange and light can be bent in any direction. Santa has clearly found a way to take advantage of relativity clouds: controllable domains – rips in time – that allow him months to deliver his presents, while only a few minutes have passed on Earth.

So there you have it. Proof positive that Santa is real and using his downtime healthily!

Meanwhile, the Santa Dash organisers are still looking for the age-graded award winner...

Merry Christmas everybody!

Image: Running Santa cartoon by Stockio.com